True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
