Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
