dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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