my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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