Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
