You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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