judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
