Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Randomize
