I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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