There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
