My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
