You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
