I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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