Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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