i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
