i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
