the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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