Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
