College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
