return my video game
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
