btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
