omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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