I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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