my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
