hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
