the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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