I haven't been this sober since birth.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
