I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
