Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
