why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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