I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is Oprah even human
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
