Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
