so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
