She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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