I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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