Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
