Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
