I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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