no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
