"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
