Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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