Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
