just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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