Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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