Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
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