Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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