just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
