i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
