Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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