i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
