the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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